Army Stuff I Will/Will Not Miss Now That I'm Retired

Army Stuff I Will Miss, Now that I am Retired:

• Grits for breakfast. Even the Army can't mess up grits.

• Weapons-qualification weekends. "This is my rifle: There are many like it, but this one is mine. Without it, weapons-qual weekend would be much, much harder ..."

• Foot lockers. And being able to fit everything I own into one.

• Never worrying about what to wear. Army uniforms are like Garanimals for adults. Everything matches. "These boots go with these trousers, which goes with this belt." You can even get dressed in the dark.

• Working in a Tactical Operations Center ("TOC"). Twelve-hour shifts of either pure boredom or high-grade adrenalin that all comes down to getting the right resources to the right people at the right time. "Who else needs to know what I know?"

• Sergeants major. The useless ones will keep soldiers "safe" by enforcing silly rules. The good ones will save soldiers' lives. Soldiers will not always be able to tell the difference. That's because they are not sergeants major themselves.

• Annual Training: Two weeks of mandatory lessons on country-western music appreciation, listening to NASCAR on the radio, and secondhand-smoking while being and becoming all that I can be.

• Leaving my combat boots by the door. This always made me feel like a Minuteman, and didn't scare the neighbors as much as did leaving my musket propped up in a corner.

• Buddies. You don't go to war for God or country, you go for the guys in the foxholes next to you. Even if the "foxholes" are actually comfy briefing-room chairs.

• Briefing-room chairs. Get there early to get yours.

Army Stuff I Will NOT Miss:

• Berets--aka "floor buffers" aka "toilet seat covers" aka "Most-useless. Headgear. Ever." Here's a suggestion: If there is no conceivable way in which a piece of Army equipment can be used to improve my effectiveness, my survivability, or my lethality, then don't issue it.

• Changing passwords on Army Knowledge Online (A.K.O.). I'm a National Guard soldier. I do not have a Common Access Card ("CAC," pronounced "kack"--which is also allegedly the sound of choking on a beret) smart-card reader at home. If you want me to have a CAC-reader at home, you'd better issue me one. And one that works, too. And issue me a computer while you're at it, because you can't require soldiers to supply their own must-have Army tools. Otherwise, congratulations: You have made the Army's "primary communications system with soldiers" so secure and obtuse that no one can use it. Send the supposedly classified unit-newsletter to my Hotmail account instead.

• Suicide-prevention briefings (Yes, it's an important topic, but distill the hour-after-hour "death by Powerpoint" training down to this: "Look out for your buddy. Ask him/her if they're OK. If they aren't, don't leave them and escort them to get help. Here's who to call and where to go ...")

• Accident-avoidance briefings ("Don't drive stupid or drunk, or any combination thereof. Don't let your buddy drive stupid or drunk. Always wear your safety belt.")

• Intelligence-oversight briefings ("Don't spy on U.S. persons. You ain't law enforcement, you ain't the National Security Agency, and you ain't Facebook.")

• Changing passwords on Army Knowledge Online (A.K.O.). Why is it asking me my favorite color again? And my high-school girlfriend's most-annoying habit?

• Washing Army Combat Uniforms (A.C.U.) on "delicate" to prevent hook-and-loop fastener failure.

• Leaving the family to fend for themselves in the middle of tornadoes, floods, snowstorms, and floods during snowstorms. And the occasional overseas deployment, too.

• Four-day drill weekends. Train to standard, not to time.

• Changing passwords on Army Knowledge Online (A.K.O.). Again ? So soon?